Shhhh….I’ve got something to tell you. This time last year I was writing a single girls blog for a well known magazine. The problem? I wasn’t actually single. Don’t get me wrong, the Editor knew about my relationship status, but due to my long term single past, she felt I had enough ammunition to write a cringe worthy, embarrassing date style blog. I had (prior to Patrick) been single for a long time. And this was what I was writing about – those horrific dates with strangers, the speed dating, the prolonged agony as I waited for men to call, the compromises, the conversations starters, the nerves…
From Sex and the Cosmo Girl....
Being single was a rollercoaster. A flurry of emotions from start to finish. Which was exactly how I felt when, just two weeks ago, I found myself standing on top of a mountain in Verbier, Switzerland as Patrick, my boyfriend of 4 years, got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. I cried, I jumped up and down, I laughed, I sobbed (happy tears I’ll have in know)–in fact, I was in such a rollercoaster of emotions that I forgot to tell him “yes, I do! I want to be your wife more than anything in the whole world.”
As we were in Switzerland (wonderfully planned by Patrick as it was the place we first met four years ago) it was lovely to have time to ourselves for four days to reflect on everything that had just happened and was about to happen. The night of our engagement we both lay awake for hours, spontaneously nudging each other and whispering “OMG, we’re engaged!” At one point I actually sneaked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom just to check that the ring on my finger was actually still there. It was my movie moment – I looked down at the ring, then up at myself in the mirror before bouncing up and down on the spot for a full ten minutes air a la the cast from Glee. Yes, I might have sung “Beyonce’s Put a ring on it” (Cringe!) and I certainly let out a little squeal which promptly woke Patrick from his sleep. I was engaged!!!! It had happened!!!! I was going to be wife!!!!
The next couple of days, my turmoil of emotions continued. I’m not sure it s the etiquette for brides to be to express how they are really feeling (no one admits to the feeling of panic when your Mother In Law tells you great uncle Bob HAS to come to the wedding, or the worry that you’re boring everyone with details of your engagement when they ask .) Getting engaged is without doubt the most exciting, happy, overwhelming time of your life, but (and yes I’m going to be controversial here!) It’s also very scary.
....To Bride to Be
Whilst flicking through bridal magazines a few days later I noticed an old Cosmo lying by the fireplace. Suddenly it hit home – I was making the profound transition from single to married, from daughter to wife! My Cosmo single girl days were over and I was moving into a new chapter of my life. Would I be a good wife? Would I make my fiancé as happy as he deserves to be for the rest of his life? This was when I realised something that lots of brides to be probably don’t take time to do – I needed to take time to reflect on the things I was going to leave behind, as well as start planning the (ridiculously exciting) future.
So, here is my chance to wave a fair farewell to my single girl past (and maybe stick my tongue out at it in the process!). Rather than writing about horrific chat up lines or dates that end with awkward kisses, I’m about to fill my days with flowers, wedding dresses, invites, champagne, confetti and smiles. Wedmin may be creeping into my everyday schedule, but, more importantly than that, I am about to become the person I have always dreamt about: A wife. And you’re invited along for the ride….
As I stood in the middle of a London cocktail bar years ago, watching my boyfriend kiss another woman, I remember thinking “what I would do to erase this memory forever.” At the time, if I had known that scientists had created a new drug that is capable of erasing painful memories from your mind, I would have raced to the nearest chemist and swallowed a whole damn bottle of them.
According to recent news reports this ‘memory blocking pill’ could be on our pharmaceutical shelves within the year. Despite it being created to help people suffering with post traumatic stress, it got me thinking if I could, would I erase an ex from my past?
Like all women I have a handful of good (and not so good ex’s.) Some relationships I can look back at and smile fondly, whilst muttering wistfully “we were so young and innocent.” Others, I can feel my blood boil at the mere mention of his name. If someone had offered me a pill a couple of years ago to erase grotty memories or awkward sex moments then I’m sure I would have gulped it down in one. After all, who wants to remember the time when the sex was so bad that you should have been awarded an Oscar for your ability to fake orgasms? Who wouldn’t want to erase those memories when a man who claimed to be a stud in bed, actually turned out to be something more akin to a teenage boy playing with the buttons on his computer game?
I’m sure I’m not alone when I saw I have an ex boyfriend I’d love to delete from my memory banks forever. No more shuddering when you remember him naked, or the rows you used to have when he’s eye up a buxom blonde in a bar. Why, if we didn’t need to, would we let these memories live on, terrorising us at any given moment?
But then I thought back to the boyfriend who kissed someone else in front of me. Sure, at the time, whenever the memory came flooding back , I felt as if someone was torturing me a la Jack Bauer.. The “kiss” played on loop in my head, making me feel nauseous, venerable and in need of a Kleenex contract.
But would I take the pill now?
No way José! Because when I think back to that moment now, at worse it feels like a distant memory, and at best? Actually rather empowering. After all, despite having to live with that horrific memory, things actually turned around for me. The ex realised what he had lost and begged me back, and I – thankfully – having seen how much he could hurt me, refused . I learnt from my past experiences. Those memories have made me who I am today.
So in a sense, a memory blocking pill just might not be worth it. After all, memories –even the bad one – teach you something. So what is the one thing I have learnt from all of my bad ex experiences? It’s simple:
Don’t ever think of an past relationships as a mistake. After all, you learn something from every man you date – even if it is just how to give an Oscar winning performance when faking an orgasm!
It was the cream cracker that did it. Until Patrick –my boyfriend of nearly four years-picked up the cream cracker – I had been in my element. There he was, bowed down on one knee, proffering something upwards towards me whilst images of wedding dresses, confetti and a string quartet raced through my mind. It was only then that I realised the object in his hand was not –as I had hoped – an engagement ring – but was in fact a cream cracker that had fallen on the floor due to my messy eating habits. “You’ll need better cleaning skills if you’re going to be my wife,” he joked.
What followed was a torrent of cleaning Mr Sheen would have been proud of. If a clean house would bring me closer to the church door then I damn well was going to do it. After all, for the past year, all I have been thinking about is WHEN will he ask me? When will I, Tiffany Wright who has been in a relationship for nearly 4 years, shares joint custody of an Australian cat and would – quite frankly – look rather nice in a Monique Lhuillier wedding dress – be able to join a bride-to-be club? What do I need to do to get my man to propose?
And then it hit me. Has marriage suddenly become a ‘waiting game?’ You only have to look at me, and my thirty something (unwed) friends to see how difficult it’s become for modern women to engineer a marriage that is well-timed — one that happens late enough in a lifetime that a woman has had time to develop personally and professionally, but not so late that her biological clock has well and truly run out of batteries.
How long will I have to be a ‘bride in waiting?’
Recent research shows that more and more couples are playing the ‘waiting game’ – despite the ‘gamble’ it could have on women. Marry too early and we might panic that we are putting out careers at risk. Marry too late and we might find ourselves stressing over whether we’re left in a situation where having kids might not be so easy (or, for the more cynical amongst us, left enough time to find another man if our current one jumps ship.)
My single friends share opposing views. One of them is adamant that she ‘needs’ to get married asap.“I want the security, I want babies, I want relatives to stop looking at me like I’m some haggard old spinster.’ Another friend insists that women shouldn’t worry themselves so much with wedding dates. “We’ve fought for feminism for so many years and now you’re trying to tell me we want a man to tie us down and marry us. No thank you. I want my career, my own apartment and a string of men who I can call as often or as little as I want. I want my life on MY terms.”
So, when is the right time to get married? Are modern women so concerned about ‘having it all ‘ – babies, career success, living life to the full – that we can’t actually sit back, relax and take life as it comes? Are you concerned with timing, or do you accept that setting a ‘marry me now’ alarm on your man’s phone is probably not going to make much difference?
My 4 year old nephews summed up marriage quite nicely yesterday when we walked past a church on his way to school. “That woman’s getting married,” he said, pointing to the bride. “Yes, “ I replied. “And that man is getting married too.”
“Don’t be silly, “he looked at he, aghast, “Men don’t get married!” I studied his serious, wrinkled brow and asked him, in that case, what men do at weddings. “They are just there to hold the woman’s hand and pass her tissues when she cries.”
